Fri’s Top 10 Sword
First, a note on this list’s composition. You will notice certain fantasy movies did not make the cut, chiefly among them, the Lord of the Rings. This is because LotR is what I consider to be “high fantasy” and not “sword and sorcery” which is typically lower magic, darker, grittier, and just … different. Honorable Mentions: Clash of the Titans / Wrath of the Titans (2010 / 2012), Dragonheart (1996), Dungeons and Dragons II: Wrath of the Dragon God (2005), Fire and Ice (1983), George and the Dragon (2004), Kull the Conqueror (1997), The Scorpion King (2002). Also called Curse of the Ring or Ring of the Nibelungs, this made for TV mini-series / movie is based on, you guessed it, the Norse / Germanic epic poem The Song of the Nibelungs. Despite its made for TV budget, the dragon is one of the better looking ones in any fantasy movie to-date. The acting is a little wooden, but the action is solid, and Kristanna Loken is just pleasant to look at. A lot of people panned this movie because it didn’t live up to the original, and that is true. But despite its choppy editing, and relatively weak plot, its spirit is much closer to the Robert E. Howard stories. Jason Momoa fits the Howard mold of Conan more than Arnold and is the absolute highlight of the movie. Marcus Nispel missed the boat on story-flow, but paints beautiful individual moments. Speaking of Conan movies that don’t measure up to the original, here is another. And make no mistake, despite Arnold’s character being named Kalidor, this is the third 80s Conan movie. It has plenty of cheese and over-acting as you would expect, but the dialogue is pure gold. Plus, there is a robotic-gator Death Machine. You can’t kill it. You have to blind it. It’s your only chance. If Red Sonja provides a few slices of cheese, Hawk the Slayer force feeds you a whole giant wheel. The bouncy balls and silly string, the spinning hula-hoops, the Forest of Weir, the rockin’ synthetic soundtrack, the repeating crossbow, and Jack Palance combine into the perfect storm of cheese-tastic sword and sorcery. The only disappointing thing about this movie is that we’ve been teased with a sequel for over three decades and to no avail. You could argue this is not real sword and sorcery, and it is the lowest magic entry on the list – because quite frankly it doesn’t have any real sorcery going on. But with the grotesque inhuman bad guys and the laws-of-physics-defying action sequences, there may as well have been. Bloody and ridiculous, this movie is definitely in the spirit of the great S&S movies of the past. And there’s no denying the quotability of this movie. A Ray Harryhausen movie had to be on this list, and Clash is arguably his finest work, though the skeleton fight in Jason and the Argonauts may be his best individual scene ever. The original Clash had a lot going for it cast wise: Laurence Olivier, Maggie Smith, Ursula Andress, Burgess Meredith, Bubo the Golden Owl. Before “Release the Kraken” there was “Let Loose the Kraken”. Much like the remake of Conan, I’m not fully sure I understand why this movie was panned by critics and audiences alike. It strays from the original epic poem, it’s got way over-the-top 300-style dialogue but it’s entertaining as hell. One of the best dragon-fights ever, a nude (all be it CGed version) Angelina Jolie, and Anthony Hopkins. Plus, it has one of my favorite scenes / messages in any movie: “Keep a memory of me. Not as king or hero, but as a man… fallible and flawed.” Aside from being the best film version of the King Arthur story made so far (and I really loved 2004’s King Arthur) it has one very good reason for why it’s on this list: O Fortuna. This movie rules. Val Kilmer in one of his greatest roles as Madmartigan, General Kael, an actual sorcerer magic duel, and Warwick Davis all turn this movie into solid gold. Willow does border on the line of high / epic fantasy and traditional sword and sorcery, but despite its mostly family-friendly nature there is an underlying dark grittiness to it that I only came to recognize as an adult. Just one of the best fantasy movies ever made. Is there really any question? This stands as the perfect sword and sorcery movie. It spawned countless rip-offs, sequels, and remakes. It launched the career of one the biggest Hollywood stars of all time, and it was about the quintessential literary sword and sorcery character. This movie taught us all what is best in life: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women. “But wait! You left off _________!” Here is the thing, yes, there are plenty of other well loved and more popular sword and sorcery movies that didn’t make the cut. But this is an opinion list. Below are a few commonly included entries to other Best S&S lists and my reason for why they didn’t make mine: Dragonslayer – Peter MacNicol is so damned annoying he ruins the entire thing. The Beastmaster – I can’t get past the goofy looking main character. Ladyhawke – For as horrible as Peter MacNicol is, Matthew Broderick is 10x worse. Legend – I honestly don’t know why I hate everything about this movie. The Dark Crystal – Not a fan of the puppets. If you can come up with any other Sword & Sorcery movies you think should have made the cut, post them in the comments and I’ll be happy to tell you why you’re wrong. Category:Official Frihole Review